Behind The Smile

The key point made by Prince Harry is at the right time “Just have that conversation”

Hi, how are you? 

Great, fantastic, good, ok thanks – you? Smile…..

In western culture this is how most of us carry on when we see someone we know casually in the street, at work or maybe at an event. This is the accepted custom maybe with a handshake or the increasingly popular touch kissing or hug (often an awkward moment) although less seen at work.

This accepted behaviour acknowledges the other person in a non-threatening manner. It’s not normally intrusive but does demonstrate you have some value to them and they to you.

On the other hand being ignored is generally considered rude and hurtful. What’s wrong, have I upset them, arrogant ….ard, the feelings experienced are often out of context but this break in convention causes us to question why and makes us feel uncomfortable.

There may be many reasons, yes they could be ignorant but what have they got on their mind. What has happened to cause them to be like this, what is going on in their life to make them behave in this way?

In general we walk around and take part in society wearing a mask that is our acceptable face. This is non-threatening, not overly inviting but expected.

This is the way we rub along together – our social norm. However, the reality is that most people have worries, concerns, issues that they are dealing with. It could be an unresolved argument, money problems, relationship issues, illness and so on. Whilst the individual is coping with the problem then day to day life continues along its merry way but that all changes when our ability to cope is falling away.

This is the time when people’s behaviour changes. They may become introspective, moody, less communicative and slower. Some may go the other way to hide their emotions and become loud and extrovert to distract from their real world.

So what does this mean to me? Whether you are a parent, boss, friend, work colleague or just someone you say hello to when walking the dog most of us pick up feelings that something is not right. We pick up through our senses something is different – but not always and there lay a big problem, a very big problem.

What to do? It was at this point in writing this article I became stuck. Not because I didn’t have answers but I had too many but none were succinct, concise or broad enough. Then my writers block was spared following the Telegraph journalist, Bryony Gordon’s article following her podcast with Prince Harry. During the podcast Prince Harry shares how he hid away his feeling when his mother, Princess Diana, died some 20 years before.

The conversation covered many key areas related to dealing with past trauma and our resulting mental states that get in the way of us being able to lead happy and fulfilling lives. Recognising that regardless of where you are in society the affliction of mental illness is debilitating but can be managed and overcome and in many cases with education can be limited even avoided.

The podcast can be found here: https://bryonysmadworld.telegraph.co.uk/e/mad-world-prince-harry

More information on the Heads Together campaign is found here:
http://www.royalfoundation.com/heads-together-release-oktosay-films-encourage-conversation-around-mental-health/

The key point made by Prince Harry is at the right time “Just have that conversation”

The need to share your thoughts feelings and worries is critical for your own wellbeing. If you have a broken arm it’s obvious to those around you – a broken mind often isn’t. 

These thoughts are to encourage openness to help people with real problems and concerns. This is not a “wingefest” nor are conversations to be had with those that like malicious gossip, don’t actually listen or are manipulative.

The temptation is to hide your bad feelings, keep your problems to yourself but there are many people who can help you. Trusted family and friends, teachers, doctors, counsellors and coaches.

So be aware of what is “Behind the Smile” and as Prince Harry has said in his interview with Bryony Gordon “Just have that conversation”.

Ian 

 

Ian Marshall

Bringing your life to LIFE

www.mejma.com

As a life coach Ian specialises in helping people in middle years who find themselves at a crossroads in their life – sometimes over-whelmed, bored or simply lost, the colour has gone from their life. Helping individuals to find what it is that they really want in their life now and to explore pathways to achieve these new dreams. This is the point where Ian helps, helping people find the future they want and the happiness they deserve.www.mejma.com

Make Your SMART Resolutions MEJMA® In 2017

“One sign of behaving as an adult is to know when you need help another is to find it.”

It’s time for those New Year resolutions that we often make following over-indulging from celebrations or for many looking back at 2016 happy that it is now over and done with. 

So what new resolutions are you going to make? The lose weight, drink less, be more active are the norm. Then we have get promotion, new job, start my own business, learn a foreign language, play a musical instrument and of course improve your love life. Those who are a bit more reflective may seek more time with family, improve financial situation or plan a wonderful holiday in the future; maybe write a book when I retire. 

As a life coach these same resolutions have been made by those people who now seek help because their life isn’t working out. They may have lost direction, motivation or the colour has simply gone from their life. The biggest challenge that I have found is that most people simply don’t know what they really want.

The majority of people have a mind-set of moving from rather than too. I want to get away from that job or my current partner or being broke all the time. Many of those that are in the moving too camp are held back by their past with feelings of guilt, anger, lack of belief in themselves or past disappointment.

One sign of behaving as an adult is to know when you need help another is to find it.

As part of the New Year resolution phase is the increased purchase of self-help books, audio programmes along with some pseudo-scientific belief publications. Those “Belief Solutions” may have some substance but often make extreme claims interpreted in such ways to sucker the gullible. Of course if it doesn’t work it’s because you are at fault because “you didn’t believe enough”! Another sad fact is that most self-help material is rarely fully read or listened too let alone acted upon.

The philosopher Socrates said “Know Yourself” which in my view is one of the wisest statements ever made. Knowing ourselves is a real challenge but only by doing so can we follow a path that reflects what is important to us today.

Those of us who have worked in companies or large organisations would have been given resolutions in the form of goal objectives. Typically these would be SMART objectives – Specific, Measureable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound.

This approach it has a great deal of merit and is an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do in the work environment. Indeed it can also be useful in setting your own goals once you have identified what it is that you really want to achieve.

The problem using only SMART objectives is it ignores the fundamental of being human. That is we are all individuals, emotionally driven and complex. How we behave is the direct result of our knowledge, experience, our environment, the people around us and our feelings and emotions at the time. 

As a guiding principle for goal setting I created my own acronym - MEJMA®. This is for you when you find and commit to those important life goals. 

Make your dreams and your life MEJMA®: 

Ø Meaningful - having real importance and purpose

Ø Emotional - creating the feelings that support your beliefs and values

Ø Justifiable – the investment in time and effort reflects the benefit

Ø Motivational – the driver to take action

Ø Altruistic - a concern for the welfare of others

 

In 2017 you can change your life and begin that journey to your greater happiness and fulfilment. Take time to find out who you really are and what it is that you really want to achieve now and in the future. 

When you know where you are heading remember … as the Taoist monks have said “The journey is the reward”. It is up to you to decide on your destination.

Get SMART when it matters but always be MEJMA®.

Ian Marshall

Bringing your life to LIFE

www.mejma.com

As a life coach Ian specialises in helping people in middle years who find themselves at a crossroads in their life – sometimes over-whelmed, bored or simply lost, the colour has gone from their life. Helping individuals to find what it is that they really want in their life now and to explore pathways to achieve these new dreams. This is the point where Ian helps, helping people find the future they want and the happiness they deserve.www.mejma.com

Over 40 - No Longer Needed?

Over 40 - No Longer Needed?

“You can have a great and happy future – just sometimes life gets in the way!”

Ø Have you outgrown your job or your job outgrown you?

Ø Not coping with your lifestyle – I don’t fit any more?

Ø Are you one of the 1.6 million unemployed in the U.K.

Ø Had a failed marriage – typically over 100,000 couples get divorced each year?

Ø Retired without a purpose – no point in life?

However we say it we all become redundant – no longer needed. At various times in our lives we go through these periods being in the wrong place at the wrong time and for many this is a horrible experience.

“What, I no longer have value!” – well yes, at that moment in time what you have to offer is not what is needed or wanted.

Redundancy is most often the phrase we use when an employer doesn’t need us any more to do a particular job. We dress up the fact that it is the job that is no longer needed but in reality neither is the person who was doing that job.

In a relationship when your partner says “I’m leaving” you are redundant – such a cold and horrible thought but the reality is you are no longer needed by them.

Your children have grown up and making their own way in the world which is great. You have done your job but now you are not needed in the same way.

The sports team you belong to no longer chose you because of age, illness or just other better players have come along and you are no longer needed.

If you were an obsolete machine or old software no longer up to the job then making you redundant wouldn’t be a problem. But, you are human with all the feelings that come with it. Our pride, self-esteem, our security and beliefs, who we are, our place in society and where we fit in – our meaning and purpose.

Who we think we have been and who we have become can for many people be a traumatic time – our future thrown into dis-array, our values, our self-worth questioned. The fear of the unknown is very real, no longer knowing our place in our family or society. As time goes on and we get older we question “what future do I have”.

Too many people give up at this time or at least settle for someone or something just to fill the gap and no more. Dreams and ambitions dashed so often by people and events completely out of our control. Re-organisation at work, a health issue, a loss of someone close are just examples of life going wrong.

By now you may be feeling thoroughly depressed and this is the sad reality for so many people and the older we get the harder it is to fight back.

You can have a great and happy future – just sometimes life gets in the way!

Reality is that there is a new future for you, opportunities that can make you happy and fulfilled but there is a big obstacle in the way – the way you think and behave.

When something horrible happens to us if we are lucky there will be people around who can support us for a time, to help us get back on our feet. However, that support will disappear quickly as others have their lives to lead and being around someone who is miserable is unrewarding.

At some point you have to make the decision to move forward in life, take responsibility for your own future and to take action. Are you still feeling “not needed” then understand this is just how life is and we have to find the strength to re-invent ourselves. To become that person who is wanted, needed and valued and respected.

Leaving the bad past behind us is difficult but to move forward our memories must be managed. We need to find new positive things in the future, to find hope that things will be better. To find meaning in our life to take action and along the way to seek help for ourselves and offer help to others.

When you find yourself “no longer needed” just think of all the positive things that have happened to you in the past – the skills, knowledge and relationships you already have and those you will gain.

Finding the “new you” that you can believe in is a great adventure and the starting point to creating your new future happiness.

Ian Marshall

Bringing your life to LIFE

www.mejma.com

As a coach I specialise in helping people in middle years who find themselves at a crossroads in their life – sometimes over-whelmed, bored or simply lost. Helping individuals to find what it is that they really want in their life now and to explore pathways to achieve these new dreams. This is the point where I help, helping people find the future they want and the happiness they deserve.